The Memento Mori Mindset

I’ve been known to harp on silver linings and focus on the finite nature of life. My friends have made jokes and I pontificate ad nauseam from time to time with my wife during late-night discussions. But until recently I didn’t realize that there is a Latin phrase that encapsulates this micro-obsession of mine: ‘Memento mori’. I was introduced to this phrase while reading Tools of Titans by Tim Ferriss.

‘Memento mori’ means remember you must die, and on the surface, it sounds morbid and unpleasant. But, if you dig a little deeper and consider how you could apply this thinking to your everyday life? Could it benefit you?

For example, I used to work in an assisted living home through my college years, cooking and providing assistance for many people who were spending their final days with me. I had served quite a few last meals and saw grown men and women in some of their most vulnerable states. As a whole, the experience was a real eye-opener for me at a very important age. Although I was busy escaping reality every weekend and partying like I’d live forever, whenever I’d punch that clock I’d be quickly reminded that this was the furthest thing from the truth. I wouldn’t live forever. None of us would.

That nursing home taught me that time is finite, nothing lasts forever, and to appreciate the good days while they are here.

Or that time when we got the news that my brother had cancer and that it had already metastasized to the point that he was inoperable and more than likely terminal. We were all crushed. But what do you do when you find out you’re dying? You live. You skydive, travel, and marry the girl now instead of waiting until later. And that’s exactly what my brother did. His health declined quickly, and before we knew it, people were paying respects as we were saying goodbye. Such a shame, but then again, memento mori.

Watching my brother die taught me that I could die. It taught me that tomorrow is not promised and that you should do the things you want to do today.

Most recently we lost our baby boy. This one, of all my traumas, is the hardest to wrap my head around. I still don’t fully understand it, but then again, I probably won’t ever. That’s ok though, some things aren’t meant to be understood. But that doesn’t mean that they can’t still teach us something. To see the strength of my wife as she persevered through the emergency surgery and the following horrific weeks of recovery, physically and mentally. To know how close I was to losing her as well. To see the beautiful response and support we received from friends, family, and strangers alike. To hear my daughter’s brave words these days when she talks about her baby brother in heaven.

Losing our son taught me that sometimes things just turn out terribly wrong. Just when you think you are in control, life will remind you that you are indeed mistaken. Sometimes the best path is to let go of trying to control the chaos and to just love what you have while you have it. Oftentimes, that is the only path forward.

So, why do I call attention to these personal anecdotes to illustrate the concept of memento mori and how I’ve grown from applying this realization to some of my darkest times? Because sometimes the world around you will be depressing, unreasonable, and chaotic — and that’s ok. Sometimes, all you can do is appreciate the good days, don’t wait until tomorrow to do the things you want to do today, and love the ones you got while you got them. 

And remember, you must die.